Magnolia Goes Tubing

tube-1They say that a happy person is the one who can laugh at themselves. Seeing as how I am always finding myself in a situation that personifies this statement, let me share with you my latest adventure…Hang on!

The title speaks for itself. Yes dear friends I went tubing. It sounded harmless… big yellow tubes, you and your extended family sharing an hour floating peacefully down a small mountain river. Sounds normal, right? Well I am sure that is what happens when ‘normal’ people go tubing, but it damn sure isn’t what happened when I went tubing!

To say that I was skeptical is an understatement and once I saw this ‘out house’ looking operation, I became even more so. But, being a mother, I realize that I don’t have forever to make memories with my kids, so I squeezed myself into a bathing suit, and said “You can do this Mag’s!” Pep talks when putting on a bathing suit are always a good thing…So are rose colored glasses and complete avoidance of mirrors.

When I say ‘Out House’ I am not kidding. This lovely business by the riverside was surrounded by a nice trading post and other cute shops, but the ‘shack’ from which the tubing operation was run, looked like an out house painted white. This should have been my first clue that all was not going to go according to plan. However the first bit of a tingle didn’t start until my family and I piled into the back of the transport van…Oh. My. God. This van had thick shag carpet from 1970-something and the fleas that called this lushness their home soon found their way to my ankles. These critters were apparently Yankees, hell bent on marching their way up legs like Sherman marching to the sea!

My ENTIRE body screamed at me to GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!

I tried to ‘scoot’ myself to the back of this van and off the lush carpet. Trying to do this in bathing suit with Crocs on left me looking somewhat like a dog dragging his ass across the grass. It was not a pretty sight, but I didn’t care, me and my ass were seeking refuge on the small space in the back that was ‘shag free’. However when I had almost scooted to my goal, the back doors of the van flew open and my brother-in-law and son began shoving a double-seater inner tube inside. I quickly tried to retreat from my derrière  dragging position without success. Ever saw a dog try to ‘backup’ in that position? No, me either, at least not successfully. I went from upright to a position that looked like a beetle on its back. WHACK!! I had been hit with this monster inner tube…Magnolia down!!

My son and brother-in-law jumped in behind this monster tube and my brother-in-law looked down at me and said “What are you doing down there?” The answers that flew through my brain luckily did not come out of my mouth. There were small children present and I didn’t want to be quoted for the rest of my days by my niece and daughter who NEVER miss a bad word that is spoken. My rants, I have discovered, can be legendary, and at times, are reenacted by those who witnessed them. But I digress… Continue reading

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Can I get an app for that?

images-10You know the commercial where the lady shares a video with her husband by touching her phone to his? No I am not going around sharing videos….I want an app so that I can put my phone next to someone’s head and it slaps the crap out of them, or, some common sense into them. At the very least can I get an app that identifies stupid people and jerks? Stun gun app? Taser? Don’t get me wrong, I love my zippo app, but I would like it better if I could really light a fire under someone’s ass… What can I say, a girls gotta dream!

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Southern as Grits!

I’m a southern woman. I refer to my friends, male or female, as honey, sugar, sweetheart, darlin’, babe, sweetie, and sometimes, baby. As in “Aww baby, I am so sorry!” or “Way to go babe!” and “How can I help you, sugar?” It is what we do in the South. It doesn’t imply anything other than I care about my friends and they are dear to me.

I tell them ‘I love them more than my luggage,’ or just that I love them. I hug them, pat them on the back, or squeeze their hand when silent support, or, encouragement is needed. And sometimes, I kiss them on the cheek (mostly because I can’t reach the top of anyones head or forehead!). I get the same affection and friendship in return.

When I say, “Call me if you need me.” I really mean that, and will drop everything for a friend in need. I will say “Bless your heart!” to a friend, and mean every word. I will say it to a clueless person and mean “Good Lord! You really don’t have a clue! Mercy!” If I tell you I am praying for you, you can bet God hears your name on my lips.

I will LOVE my friends kids like they are my own, and I expect them to do the same. Which means, correct them when they need it, praise them when they deserve it, support their dreams and interests as much as possible, and always, always, love them enough to pinch their heads off if they misbehave!! Every Southern child has more than one woman they call Mama so and so, or a friend of their mothers, that they call Aunt or Uncle so and so.  And if you dare mess with one of “my kids,” whoa be unto you!! Don’t hurt my babies or you will answer to me! And babies can describe anyone younger than me, that I treat as my own. So leave my young-uns alone!

If I like you, you know. If I don’t like you, you know. And, if you are reading this, and know me personally…well, you know on which side of my Mason Dixon Line you fall now don’t you?

If you don’t have a true “Southern Friend,” you need to get yourself one, A.S.A.P.!! Sometimes we are better than family, or at least just as good.

Love & Hugs!!! And to those who don’t like that, as Flo would say, “Kiss my grits!”


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Magnolia’s plan to reduce the deficit via Facebook

Charge a quarter ($.25) for every political status post; fifty cents ($.50) for every pro religion fanatics or anti religion fanatics post; seventy five cents ($.75) for every “drama Lama” post; and a whopping one dollar ($1.00) for every time someone posts that they are bored.Pictures of girls making a duck face and ANY taken in the bathroom mirror with the toilet for a backdrop, start at five dollars ($5.00) and go up based on the gag factor..

Problem solved…You’re welcome!! (Hmmm this status should probably run about $2.50) Imagine how fast we would get out of debt if we charged for all of the hot air coming out of congress…Now that would be budget balancing…. Love & Hugs (And get the heck out of the bathroom before you take a picture..seriously! Ugh!)

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Honey Boo Boo: Gone With the Wind

Dear GOD! “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo”….I guess this is what I get for thinking the Kardashian clan were one of America’s most embarrassing moments on television.  (I love you Khloe, but your mother is bat crap crazy! Saying it with love girl, but still, she is messed up.)

Then TLC brings us into the world of Honey Boo Boo Child and her family. I have heard every scenario from these people are just “acting” or “following” a script, to “They are just being who they are.” And my favorite “They are making us all look crazy!” Now, Magnolia can appreciate diversity, it is what keeps life interesting. But a Southern woman getting on national television and farting for all the world to see, hear, and imagine how it smells (gagging a bit),  makes me furious! That is what we have “Jackass” and “Two and a Half Men” for. John Cryer needs to keep his job!!

Now this is when everyone starts saying “But they are making money! Haters are gonna hate, but they are taking it to the bank!” Really? So let’s apply this logic to all jobs…Prostitutes and Strippers are trying to use it/work it to “Take it to the bank” but the Prostitutes get arrested, except in Nevada, and Strippers aren’t exactly high on the social ladder. So, making money, apparently does not absolve all behavior deemed unsavory. And this woman making money by farting on a reality show is just as distasteful to me. I appreciate Strippers more. At least I know they are just putting on a show…these people, I’m not so sure.

At least pole dancing takes some skill and coordination. Have you ever tried to dance on a pole? No? Then buy one online and give it a whirl if it looks easy to you. But I would suggest that you look up some of the novice attempts  at pole dancing on YouTube before you make this purchase. It might prevent you from hearing your husband say to the ER doctor: “Well doc, she was trying to do that at home pole dancing in her new Victoria’s Secret outfit and somehow she got her high heels tangled up, and the next thang I knew, she was flat on her back with her feet in the air screaming “Help me! Jesus!” I’m not real sure, but I don’t think this was the part where she was expecting to call on Jesus, but I ain’t too familiar with at home pole dancing. Did I get that right, Sugar?”

Personally, I don’t care what you do in your own home, that is your business, not mine.  And let’s face it, we all know a few uptight, pious, and bitter gals, that could use a good “feet to Jesus” moment. Right? But when a woman starts making all Southern women look bad, then you have crossed a line. Show some self respect! Everybody passes gas, but no REAL Southern Belle would do so on national television or even around her life long guy friends. It just isn’t done hon!  Do you not “redneck-anize” that your daughter, however adorable she may be, is going to live with this for the rest of her life? Even worse, are we Southerners going to have to live with this for the rest of ours? Will we have Honey Boo Boo: Looking for Love? or Honey Boo Boo: Say Yes to the Dress?…God in Heaven it could go on forever…Honey Boo Boo: A Baby Story. Yeah buddy! Now that’s what we want to see! …Shudder.

Lord help me! This woman needs some long dead Southern Belle’s to rise up out of their graves and smack the ever-loving fire out of her! Someone please call the Long Island Medium so she can channel Margaret Mitchell, because I want her to take a copy of  “Gone With the Wind” and slap that woman off her couch, and, if possible, off national television.  She and this show, needs to be “Gone with HER wind!” Now that is an episode of  “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” that I would watch!

Lord give me strength…That poor sweet child….



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Fifty Shades & Magnolia

Everywhere I go, it seems that someone is talking about the book series “Fifty Shades of Grey” by E.L. James. This piqued my interest and after being asked FIFTY times if I had read the books, I took my Kindle Fire in hand and bought the books. I was prepared for some spine tingling romance and erotic sex scenes. I felt I was more than prepared for anything that Fifty Shades might throw at me. Hell, I had read Jackie Collins’, Hollywood Wives and Hollywood Husbands, for heavens sake! And nobody views this Magnolia as a shrinking Violet in any way, so I pretty much looked at the tie on the cover and said “Bring it!”

I am, to quote an old Guns-N-Roses song, a “Live and Let die” kinda gal. If it blows your skirt up, as my dad would say, that doesn’t mean it has to blow mine up as well. And I can assure you that these books did not blow my skirt up or even make me think about shedding my skirt. What happens between consenting adults is really none of my business. And whips, dips, chips, and chains don’t repulse me; but they don’t turn me on either.  Well, chips and dip do, but that’s another issue, completely.

I wanted to enjoy these books in all of their fluffy, love conquers all, Cinderella story meets Harlequin romance, meets kinky sex, glory; but I just couldn’t. And, no, my problem with the books wasn’t the sex scenes; quite honestly I got bored and only gave those a cursory glance after about the tenth scene. If you really want to gain insight into the world of BDSM, this book isn’t going to give you much. Trust me, you can find more information, and things that are probably more disturbing, on the Internet. And it wouldn’t be described in terms of ice cream. No vanilla… Beware of Internet research, because they don’t make a Lysol product that will disinfect your minds eye. Continue reading

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Mama and the Hold Up

I am blessed to have a wonderful parents, and Daddy is often featured in my blogs (so much material, so many hand cramps). Now that I am a parent, I realize how much they sacrificed for my sister and I. I could tell them every minute that I love them and that still would never be enough…..

Having said that, I have a cute story about Mama. Daddy is getting a break, but only for a little while.

My mom’s mother lived right up the road from us. We all called her Granny, and Granny loved to fish. She loved it so much that she would go everyday if she could. My sister and I went with her many times and those are some of my best memories.

We would get the two five gallon buckets from the wash house and inside one bucket, Granny would put the spinners (handle down), cane poles, pliers, rags, and lemonade. The other bucket, she would fill half way full with floating fish food on top of which Granny would place our bait for the day. If it was going to be a heavy day of fishing, or more family was expected to join us, we would take along a stainless steel wash tub.

We were a sight to behold, a short gray haired lady in an old straw hat and two tow headed little girls with all of their fishing “equipment” shoved into two five gallon buckets.

There was an aluminum boat turned upside down on the bank of the pond. the boat was sort of half in and half out of the water. I have no idea who it belonged to, but I am pretty sure it was one of my Uncles’.

As we clanged, rattled, and chattered our way toward the pond, Granny was trying to stay upright and not fall from all of the “help” she was receiving. My sister and I were not paying attention, we were busy telling Granny something or asking a million questions. So when our clanging caravan got with in a few feet of the aluminum boat and we felt Granny stop. She stopped so fast that we were left swinging on the bucket handles before we could come to a complete stop. Continue reading

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Thankfulness and Pixie Dust

I, as so many do, have so much to be thankful for. I could list all of my blessings and my cup would more than overflow. So, why, when things get tough, do I wish I had some pixie dust? No, not the kind you snort up your nose! Do they call it that, and who is they? Anyway…I just wish I had some sort of magical dust or a balm for all of the hurts in the world. This Thanksgiving, I can’t help but, pause and think of those who, by our standards, have nothing. Maybe, just maybe, if we all (myself included) realized how much we have to be thankful for, we would feel compelled to reach out a hand to others. Why wait till a new year? Being understanding, non-judgmental, loving, and kind, never goes out of style. If you know someone who could use a little extra love and support, offer yours, and do so with a thankful heart….

Just so you know, I am choosing Charlie Sheen, he may be ‘winning’ but I think he could use a compassion care package, a long stint in rehab (darn pixie dust), and a good dose of Magnolia Common sense. The rest of you can have the Kardashian klan.

I am thankful that you share this time with me! Magnolia fans are the best!!

 Love, peace, and be thankful!


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A Magnolia tipbit:

This just in!! Kim Kardashian flew to see Kris Humphries! She plans to climb on a step ladder and hold her cell phone to his ear so that her mother can tell him that his marriage to Kim is, indeed over, and that she is keeping the ring… Ya think?!

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The Transplant and the Boutique Pants

There is absolutely nothing like a “Transplant.” That is what I call someone from up north (Yankee) that now lives in the South. The last time my dear friend, who is a Transplant, was featured in my blog, she had managed to strand us on a train track, and quite possibly landed our happy caravan as a feature on the evening news.

I could always tell when my friend had reached her limit in any social setting. It didn’t matter if it was a ballgame, or a baby shower; if I looked over and she had what I describe as a “jackass eating briers smile” and a “deer in the headlights” look, I knew it was past time to depart. I would say our goodbyes and try to make a graceful exit while she was still smiling.

I remember getting in my friends van after a meeting and her first word was “GAWD!” This was said as she shook her head, searched for the always ‘missing in action’ lighter and promptly lit a cigarette. I remember sitting there thinking “What? How did this go wrong?” Continue reading

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